Tales of a Badger
by Badgermafia
Summary: A young outcast badger with the help of Jack Bauer defeats the evil dictator Stephen Colbert. It isn't one hundred percent 24 fan fict, its a little Lotr in it to. It is a little unique in every way. And its a good story.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The Legacy Begins

Once upon a time in a magical world of pain, hate, rape squads, and death, there lived a young badger named Cliff. Cliff was different from other badgers. No, he wasn't gay, but he did have thumbs. The other badgers hated him for that. They hated that Cliff could just pick up stuff. They teased Cliff and teased until Cliff cried and ran off into the forest. "Those stupid assholes," Cliff muttered to himself. "Why are they so mean, I didn't want to have these stupid thumbs, why did I get them. They are useless for digging and anything like that. Why can't I be a normal badger with normal badger problems, why do I have to be a freak like I am?" Cliff was very depressed and sad because all the other badgers hated his guts and just because he had thumbs. He wandered the forest for days, sad and tired and hungry and thirsty and angry. Did I mention sad? He was wandering through a wonderful meadow when he saw them. Three humans armed with automatic weapons that could be doing only one thing, hunting. There Cliff witnessed a scene that changed his life forever and ever and ever. He saw one of the hunters open fire on another hunter! The hunter laughed as he gunned down the other hunter. The third hunter dashed forward to grab the hunter that was shooting at his comrade. "Mr. Cheney, please stop shooting this man, he is a bishop."

Mr. Cheney said innocently, "I thought he was a bear, I really did."

"Sorry sir," said the third hunter, "but this is serious. The lawyer incident everyone can understand, everyone hates lawyer." The third hunter leaned over the bishop. "Oh my god, you killed him. Mr. Cheney, you killed a bishop!"

"I swear that I thought he was a bear. I was defending us. I am a hero. I mean look at that outfit, only a bear would wear that. See that golden cross on his hat. That is the national symbol of the bear," Mr. Cheney said quickly.

The third hunter gave Mr. Cheney a hard stare, "What have I said about lying Mr. Cheney. You know that the gold cross is the Christian symbol, not some bear sign. And we all know that according to our great leader, Stephen Colbert, bears are godless killing machines."

Mr. Cheney scuffed his shoe in the dirt. "I'm sorry, I wont do it again."

"I hope you are sorry. Now next time this happens, that's three strikes. Then you have a five minute time out," the third hunter said in a stern voice.

Cliff watched all of this in stunned silence. No badger would gun down another badger like that. These, humans, are abominations. Then Cliff saw it. The humans had thumbs just like his. "Oh no," Cliff thought. "Am I going to turn out like these abominations? These monsters, these animals. No. Not me. I will never kill like that. But these humans, they are a threat to animals everywhere. They must be eliminated." Cliff snuck over to the dead humans body while Mr. Cheney shot random shots into the forest. Cliff bent down and picked up the dead man's gun. It wasn't as heavy as cliff expected, and he could grip it easily in his thumbed hand. He snuck on the man called Mr. Cheney and opened fire into his back. With a great moan, Mr. Cheney fell down, blood flowing out of him. "What the," said the third hunter as he turned and saw Cliff. Cliff immediately began shooting ammo into the man's stomach. The man fell to his knees, and then let out a great death moan. Cliff smiled. It seemed that Cliff had found his calling.

"I swear that I will not rest until all of these humans are wiped off the face of the earth! I will keep fighting until I can fight no more! Beware humans, I am coming!" Cliff yelled to the heavens. Then Cliff put the gun over his shoulder and walked into the sunset.

A nearby squirrel said to his friend, "Now what do you suppose that was about?"

"Who cares," the squirrel answered, "I didn't hear the word nuts, or wild squirrel party, so frankly I wasn't paying attention."

"Yeah," said the first squirrel, "he probably won't last a day any ways."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Door In The Oak

Cliff found that hunting humans was a lot harder than he thought. Not all of them were as dumb as Mr. Cheney. In fact, most were a lot smarter. He had been hunting humans for about a day when his gun had stopped working. It just made a clicking noise and it stopped killing people. He had to kill the last one with his claws. He didn't like to kill people, but he knew he had to. For the good of the world. He was wandering along his favorite nature trail trying to get his gun to work, when a strange looking wolf walked up to him. Cliff was immediately on guard, ready to fight. He bared his teeth and snarled, "What do you want?"

The wolf looked at him quizzically and said, "You have thumbs. And you walk on your hind legs too."

"So," Cliff said, "You got a problem with that?"

"No," said the wolf, "because I know a wolf that does that too. I was wondering if you knew him. His name is Manny."

"I don't talk to wolves," snarled Cliff.

"You are talking to me," said the wolf.

"Shut up you dumbass," said Cliff as he lowered his gun. "Now beat it."

"Wait a minute," said the wolf. "I know some one you should meet."

Now since Cliff had been fighting his ego had been boosted quite a bit. He figured if he needed, he could threaten anything that this wolf showed him.

"Okay," Cliff said, "let's go, but don't try anything."

The wolf led him off the path into the forest and through a bush. They walked in silence for about 15 minutes until they got to a massive oak tree. The wolf rapped on the oak three times. To Cliff's amazement part of the tree swung open. A man was standing there, in the open doorway.

"What the..." said Cliff.

"Hello, Cliff, I'm Jack Bauer."


End file.
